I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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