dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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