Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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