she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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