They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
