I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
