Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
