look no pants
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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