Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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