I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
