he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Ladies don't puke and tell
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
