That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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