Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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