How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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