White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
