Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
