She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
