I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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