Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize