I met the friendliest cop last night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
40s are totally the cure
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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