i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
