Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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