Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize