Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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