i just had sex bonerless
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
of course. lets lasso hookers.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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