He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Found the puke drawer
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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