Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Are we still banned from the library?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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