u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
