at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
