It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
