DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He keeps bees of course he's weird
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
