I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
a search helicopter?!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
last night I used snow as a chaser
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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