Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
