I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
