apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
