im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
