At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
