I just threw up on my dentist
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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