You're earring is so big in my mouth
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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