Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
