I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
