what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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