There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
