I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
