bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
