The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
