DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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