Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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