We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
