I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Michael Bay diarrhea
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
