u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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