i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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