I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
