Michael Bay diarrhea
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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