just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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