he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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