GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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