You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize